Anger.
The topic comes up frequently in coaching conversations. When someone tells me ’I get angry when…’, I get curious. Not about the anger itself, but about what’s sitting underneath that emotion.
Because anger is rarely the first emotion. Most of the time, it’s masking something else — something harder to admit.
A few examples.
“I get angry when my kid throws a tantrum in a supermarket” ==> Underlying emotion: shame (in front of others) / fear of being judged
“I get angry when my team moves slowly or inefficiently” ==> Underlying emotion: fear of losing control.
“I get angry with myself when I make a small mistake.” ==> Underlying emotion: shame/fear of being exposed.
“I get angry when someone gives me unsolicited advice” ==> Underlying emotion: feeling small, powerless, or shame.
Sometimes it is more complex.
A friend once told me he gets really irritated when he sees people playing the victim.
After a lot of reflection, he realised anger was helping him avoid his own vulnerability. That one surprised him.
Another thing I have observed ==> We tend to express anger where we feel we have power.
If our own child breaks a glass accidentally, anger shows up quickly.
If a colleague or a boss does the same, empathy comes more easily.
These days, when I notice myself getting angry, I try to pause and ask:
What am I actually feeling right now?
How is this useful? Just seeing the underlying emotion(s) reduces the intensity. It can be a great start to understanding ourselves a little deeper.
What situations have you noticed where anger is masking something else? Share them in the comments.
