The need to be understood.
Have you noticed some people explain everything in great detail?
At first, it usually feels like a good thing. They seem thoughtful, thorough etc. Strangers see them as good communicators.
But sometimes, even after you’ve known them for years, they still start every story from the very beginning.
Recently, I stopped one of my coachees midway through a familiar story.
I said, “You have detailed this a few times before. Skip the backstory and jump to the newer developments.”
He smiled and replied, ” No, no, I want to explain it. I feel complete only when I tell the whole thing.”
I got curious. So I asked him, “What happens if you don’t?”
He closed his eyes and imagined how he would feel if he were not explaining everything.
He said, “I feel panicky.”
I said, “Continue, what else is coming up?”
After thinking for a bit, he revealed:
“I think I am afraid people will misunderstand me.”
What looked like a communication habit was actually fear.
The need to explain everything wasn’t coming from a love for detail. It was coming from a need to be understood correctly.
After that, I started noticing traces of it in myself.
There are moments when I’m running late, need to leave a meeting early, or can’t help someone.
Instead of simply stating the fact, I sometimes find myself adding a lot of explanations.
Almost as if I’m trying to manage what the other person might think.
What if they think I’m irresponsible, or I don’t care or even that I am arrogant? What if they misunderstand my intent?
Underneath all those explanations sits a desire: to be seen correctly.
The irony is that over-explaining often creates a very different effect. The more we try to control how we’re perceived, the more we signal insecurity, lack of confidence, etc.
While the need to be understood is a reasonable human trait, trying to guarantee that everyone understands us perfectly is a burden none of us can carry.
Once the emotion around this need is resolved, we will see the truth that a simple explanation is generally enough. And sometimes people will misunderstand us anyway. We have no control over it.
Have you ever caught yourself over-explaining something? What was the underlying story?
