Avoidance.
Sometimes, what looks like helplessness is actually avoidance.
A coachee once told me: “I really want to speak to my manager about my promotion. But I don’t think it will make any difference.”
I asked, “Have you tried?”.
“No.”
“Why do you think it won’t work out?”
“I know how my manager is. He won’t listen at all.”
I felt her answer was hiding something else. She had already decided the conversation would fail without having the conversation.
That gave her a kind of comfort. If “nothing could be done”, there was nothing she had to do. So she became helpless.
I asked her, “What if the real problem isn’t you are helpless? But you avoiding the discomfort of trying?”
She responded- “But what if he reacts badly or shouts at me?”
I said – “Then we deal with that. But right now, you are dealing with a reaction that hasn’t even happened.”
She agreed to try.
She eventually had the conversation. It did not go great as she expected. Her manager pushed back.
But she came back saying, “At least now I know what is happening inside. I was afraid of rejection and imagined repercussion.”
I asked how are you planning to deal with these. She smiled back and said “Of course, I am going to lean on to coaching to work on both of these 😀 ”
The lesson here for both of us was – “Helplessness” can sometimes become a very convenient place to hide.
Statements like, “I can’t.”, “They won’t listen.”, “Nothing will change.” etc are very likely hiding some other feeling. One or more of – fear of rejection, fear of repercussion, thinking about worst, fear of uncertainty etc
A few pointers –
* Notice the difference between “I can’t” and “I haven’t tried yet.”
* Focus on what is in your control
* Take one small action before concluding that the situation cannot change.
* Be willing to tolerate a little discomfort. Avoiding it today can make the problem much bigger tomorrow.
* Acceptance can happen when you genuinely cannot change the situation – as a last resort.
Another useful question here is: “Am I really powerless here, or am I avoiding something that feels uncomfortable?”
That question alone can open up a few more choices in that situation.
Please share your thoughts in the comments.
