Coachee: “I didn’t get the promotion I deserved”
Me: “Okay… and how did that feel?”
Coachee: It probably makes sense—could be budget, visibility, or org priorities.”
Me: “Not the explanation. What did you feel?”
Coachee: “I mean, these things happen. It’s part of the process. I should try harder next time”
Me: “Not the next steps, I am asking for the feeling”.
Coachee was giving coherent and logical explanations but his face was showing something else. Tightness, anxious face and lack of energy.
What was happening is that he was explaining the situation away without feeling the emotions.
In corporate environments (and sometimes childhood), we unknowingly learn this habit.
Phrases like – “Don’t be emotional”, “Be rational”, “Stay objective” etc are useful but sometimes, we take it a step further. We stop feeling altogether and start intellectualizing everything.
Especially if you’ve been heavily trained to think in frameworks, models (read as MBA :)), it becomes even easier to “make sense” of things without actually experiencing them.
I am seeing this pattern with coachees and also myself.
But emotions don’t disappear just because we ignore them.
They just show up elsewhere.
Sometimes as:
* Irritation at home or elsewhere over small things
* A constant, unexplained anxiety
* A mind that is constantly running for no reason
* Decisions that feel off, even when they seem logical
So I asked him again: “What emotions are you experiencing right now?”
After looking inwards, he responded “Disappointed…and maybe a bit angry.”. “A sense of injustice as well”
That insight helped because he finally processed it. And once he did that, there was clarity and relief. He could think about his next steps clearly from a place of awareness of his own emotions.
We all have a wide range of emotions—far more than we acknowledge.
Studies show 6-8 core emotions and more than 100 if they branch out. After all, emotions are what makes us human.
While many times we cannot act on emotions immediately (e.g. office), we do need to feel them at some point. Otherwise, they quietly shape our behavior without us realizing it.
Sometimes I catch myself over-explaining situations instead of just sitting with what I feel. And every time I do pause… things become clearer.
Next time something doesn’t go your way, before analyzing why it happened… Try asking yourself: “What am I actually feeling right now?”
They could be more valuable than what you think.
